Pages From My Journal

A New Series, featuring a collection of my old journal entries.

So many journals that were once blank and brimming with possibility, now sit on my shelf filled with truth, and pain, and joy, and life. Writing has always been my secret weapon; the key to unlock what I didn't even know was there. Some journal pages are filled with prayers and conversations with God, while some are filled with dialogues only with myself. Certain pages are lined neatly with quotations or verses that inspire me, while others are filled with messy scribbles or attempts at some form of expression in the midst of chaos. God reveals things most clearly to my heart through writing. It has always been this way. It is difficult to explain what happens when I write. Some people hear God's voice in the quiet of their heart or through the creation of art, but for me it is through the familiar marks of a pen hitting the paper. Even as a little girl, some nights I would stay up late writing stories or nonsense that happened in my day. This is still the case, but I find myself communing with God in this sweet quiet time more than ever before. I have quite literally over a decade's worth of journals to sift back through now. There is something comforting about re-reading old memories or allowing myself to regain encouragement or inspiration from past insights written. In the midst of the stacks of my old and tattered journals, lives failure and hope, confusion and encouragement, discovery and life. As I read back through the pages, I am finding remnants of old journal entries I feel God is stirring in my heart to share. One by one, in this series, I will share excerpts, devotions, and thoughts from my old journals. I hope you are encouraged and challenged along the way. 

May 27, 2017

I want desperately to be a woman that yearns to be in your presence; that doesn't assess her worth based on performance or even service, but draws her strength and peace from your eternal well that never runs dry. I want to be a woman that is content to be your daughter, to always be getting to know your heart more, constantly desiring less of myself. Jesus help me to be a woman who never gets bored of your word, who never grows tired of communing with you in prayer.

Jesus, it's amazing that even in the gospels you turned NO ONE away. You healed and loved all who came to you. You were passionate about moving around and sharing the word with all people, regardless if it was convenient or comfortable. Help me do this in my daily life. How can I not long for you? How can I not long to be with you? You bring peace where this is only chaos. You shed bright light where theres is only darkness. 

Your love covers many sins. Without your love, your peace, your forgiveness- what hope is there? What purpose is there?

Help me to not chase after empty fulfillment, false promises, or distractions that push their way in front of you. Even in circles of other believers it is getting harder and harder to truly lay aside fleshly desire and wordly pursuit and wholeheartedly strive after you. 

I want to be a woman marked by my pursuit of you- of what's truly important. I desire to fix my eyes on you, placing my whole confidence on your truths and commands, never looking back to count what I've lost and never forcing burdens and worries back in my own arms. I don't want to turn away from you.

"The mustard seed is one of the smallest seeds on earth. However, when it is planted it comes up and becomes taller than all the garden plants. It grows such large branches that birds can rest in it's shade."

-Mark 4:31-32

As illustrated in this verse:

When truly seeking after Jesus, one eventually becomes a HUGE light, though once very small. Regardless of how small it started out, the light and peace can become a huge resting place for hurting and broken people, in need of Jesus's love too. The believer with strong roots grows tall and can provide cool shade for others, more than any alternative source of hope or comfort could ever provide.