Saturday, February 17, 2018

What Did I Sign Up For?


My outlook on marriage has been a patchwork of feelings and opinions that have shifted over time. First of all, I never thought I would be married right now-at 21 years old. I thought maybe I would be married somewhere far, far down the line at 35 or something. And most of the time, trying to conceptualize the thought of marriage at all seemed like a stretch. 

"Why would I limit myself?" I used to think. 

"Why put my hope in another human being who will break my heart into a million little pieces?" 

"I'm young, I have a life to live, things to accomplish, and a husband will just drag me down," I told myself.

I used to view marriage as a prison cell- locking you in with confinement, disappointment, and less opportunity.

One October day, at 17 years old, I sped off in my car in the pouring rain, not knowing my life was about to change. You see, I was about to get into a very dangerous car accident and everything I once knew would be completely turned upside-down. This was one of the darkest seasons of my life; I hated God, I hated love, and quite honestly- I hated myself. I had turned to self-destruction and I was completely unstable, lacking any fragment of purpose or direction. My heart was hollow and closed off. I was out of breath and exhausted from running away from God. Honestly, I was petrified of Him and I wanted absolutely no part of the "love" that I had seen coming out of some "christians". My view of love was seemingly flawed beyond repair. Love was the last thing on my mind in that season- love with God, love with a man- I wanted no part of it.

Through the splashes of rain, as I saw another car's headlights in my lane, there was no time to react. In that moment, I realized how close death was. I couldn't run anymore; it was coming straight for me. I didn't realize how much I truly did yearn for life and love until pain and death were a few feet away. I sharply turned the wheel at the last possible second and I cried out to the God whom I wasn't even certain I believed in. 

"I'm not ready to die yet. I want to live for you. I still desire to meet my husband and have a family someday."



My car spun around uncontrollably, eventually ending up in the ditch on the other side of the road after hitting a telephone pole. The telephone pole fell on top of my car, causing the front end to catch on fire just as I stepped out of it.

God saved my life that day. Plain and simple. From that point on, He began reshaping and capturing my heart, breaking down all of the lies I had built a foundation on. Over time, He began to reveal purpose to me, breathing life into everything that had been lifeless. And He opened my heart to love.

Two days after the accident, I met and started talking to Simon, who is now my husband. Two weeks later, I knew that he was the man I was going to marry. This is the girl who was broken and shattered and hated the idea of marriage, especially despising the idea of getting married young. Simon loved God and wanted to pursue a life of serving Him. He was patient with me as I started to understand what that meant; I had no prior understanding and it was a process (still is and will always be) to shed all of gruesome layers of my flesh. In the beginning of our relationship, we learned what love was together. We learned how to love each other and love God together. We grew from teenagers to adults together.

I will never be able to wrap my head around the weight of what God did that year of my life. I was in a downward spiral and He caught me, gave me a second chance, and literally carried me to the man who was going to be my future husband- a man that loved Him. And He used twitter to do this. I'm not kidding. Simon and I met on twitter. That's how big of a God we serve- He meets you right where you are- and at 17 years old, that's where I was.

So naturally, during our dating and engaged years- my view of marriage changed into a sea of prince charming and white horses. Looking toward marriage, I thought of a fairytale- endless happiness, no arguing, constant fun, holding hands in the sunset, candle-lit dinners, romantic getaways........

After being married for 2 years, though, God is chiseling my understanding yet again. God did not create marriage so that we could be happy or get all of our needs met or fill a void in our heart. He didn't even create marriage so that we could have a lifelong partner to have deep conversations with or go on lavish dates with- though there's nothing wrong with those things and they are actually a by-product of a healthy marriage. Marriage should reflect Christ. There's a war going on in today's society; there are broken, empty, and confused people everywhere. God's design for marriage is for a husband and wife to come together in unity to accomplish His mission- to share the gospel as a team, to share the same vision for how to love others together and win over souls for Jesus. Yes, marriage is supporting one another's dreams. Yes, it is carving out intentional date nights. Yes, it is dying to one-self and choosing to serve your spouse over your own desires and needs. But at core, it is chasing after the same vision together. There is only one vision to chase. The vision is the same for every couple that He brings together: to make disciples and love others alongside one another. The way this takes form is different for every couple depending on gifts and timing. It is so easy for this to get diluted and over-complicated. 




There are influences from the world saying that marriage is all about pleasure and happiness and perfection. There are even toxic influences in christ-centered communities slowly trickling into our minds in conniving ways. These messages are more subtle and they are wrapped in appealing packages- these messages can make us forget about the vision of the gospel and instead focus only on bettering ourselves and strengthening our own home. Faith in Jesus was meant to be shared beyond our walls. Marriage is more than an amalgamation of cooking meals together and cuddling on the couch- those things are a blast, but they can't be the only purpose in your marriage. I think often in faith-based communities, messages about marriage mean well. We hear about respecting and honoring our spouse and spending enough time together. We see step-by-step processes of how to have a constructive argument and how to have beneficial communication. These things are all good; they aren't bad. But what are you and your spouse doing to together to further the kingdom of Jesus? Everything needs to be built around that. God has provided a vessel in marriage for this to happen; a unique way for His message to be carried. God's love for us is not based on performance or service, so please don't hear that, but a thriving marriage will be a deep well overflowing with love to pour out on others. It does not mean every couple will be overseas missionaries, but it means that God calls us all to be missionaries right where we are. He placed you and your spouse in a specific location and time period for a reason and brought you together for a reason- To love and enjoy one another, yes- but also to extend that love to others around you as a team.




Don't misunderstand- marriage is meant to pleasurable and delightful and beautiful- but these things come from flourishing together in your calling. There are some days filled with tickle fights and board games and adventures and movie nights. I believe God wants us to enjoy marriage, too. And also understand this: there will always be challenging days. Stop and think about the austerity involved with combining two people and two lives together. Woah. There is going to be friction. There will be harsh words exchanged and bad choices made. You will hurt each other often. We are flesh and selfishness rules through our whole being. Trying to mix two broken people together is difficult, but worthwhile. The vision is bigger. The vision for God's kingdom is bigger than socks left on the floor or your husband forgetting to ask how your day went. Some days it might be hard to forgive or extend grace, but remember the vision. When you remember the vision, and you truly understand what you signed up for, dissatisfaction can't reign. When you get married, don't sign up for perfection, don't sign up for bouquets of flowers and loves notes (although those are a sweet surprise sometimes), don't sign up for a white picket fence and the perfect little family, don't sign up for Instagram photo shoots, don't sign up for only pursuing your own dreams, don't sign up for no conflict, and don't sign up for building your own kingdom.

Sign up for unity. Sign up for embracing imperfections. Sign up for constant forgiveness and grace. And definitely sign up for striving together after God's vision to share the gospel together. Sign up for forever.


I am more in love with my husband, Simon, now than I ever have been. It is breathtaking to pursue God's calling together and the most attractive thing in the world to see him desire God.  We laugh together and cry together and there is no one else on this planet I would rather have by my side. We are still learning how to pursue this common vision together, though, and I believe we always will be growing in this. We still argue while driving sometimes, things get chaotic and we say hurtful words, and at times, we altogether forget the unity God has called us to. But God always reminds us again of the miracle of love He has given us and His purpose in that.








39 comments:

  1. Nice post.. Enjoyed reading this.. Everything has a purpose.. Marriage too...

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  2. Such a beautiful post and an eye opener to never loose your faith. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

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    1. Thank you! Yes, to never give up hope for the season God has you in! :)

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  3. Wonderful post, i truly loved reading this. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Aww thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed reading! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!

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  4. So beautiful, Hannah! And full of wisdom and truth. I wish I had understood the things you shared here when I was a young married woman. It would have saved years of tears and disappointment. Keep up the good work, my dear. Your husband and marriage will thank you.

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    1. Gleniece,

      Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I so appreciate your insight and wisdom too! It means a lot to me <3

      Hannah

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  5. Missionaries RIGHT WHERE WE ARE!! Yes!! The world needs both- those who go and testify of God's great love, and those who stay and testify right here! Loved your perspective! ❤️

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    1. Rachel,

      So true! That is comforting to me- to know Jesus can use us RIGHT where we are <3 Thank's for sharing a part that spoke to you!

      Hannah

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  6. This is such a great reminder that like the book Sacred Marriage says, marriage is designed to make us holy, not happy. While it should make us happy too, the goal is ultimately to make us more like Jesus, not to just give us a good. Time. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Ashleigh,

      Yes, great way to put it! It was not until recently that Jesus started revealing those things to my heart. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me!

      Hannah

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  7. Thank you for this amazing post :)

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  8. I too met my man online! Love happens in crazy ways! Thanks for reminding us to always keep faith!

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    1. Ashley,
      That's amazing! Yes, it does. The way God works is never boring!
      Hannah

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  9. Thank you for sharing I love this post! I met my husband online and he taught me a lot about myself, Love and God's love for us. He was patient too! It was tough but God had a purpose and a plan for us.

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    1. Nezet,
      Aww, that's so awesome to hear your similar story and experience. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!

      Hannah

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  10. "Marriage should reflect Christ." So true! A Christian marriage should embody this. Marital discord has spiritual roots. Unfortunately,so many people don't recognize this. Thanks for sharing your story!

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    1. Laura,
      Thank you for sharing your insight! It's so important to recognize where the discord stems from.

      Hannah

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  11. Thank you for this sweet and encouraging post! I love reading uplifting posts about marriage in Christ! Be blessed sweet sister! ❤

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    1. Donna,
      Thank you so much for reading and for your excitement! I pray God's blessings over you, too <3 I appreciate the support!
      Hannah

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  12. Wow what a powerful read. It is inspirational and very uplifting while exposing a very vulnerable side of yourself in order to help others. You are an amazing writer and I feel very lucky to be able to read this post and bare witness to your struggle. I am so happy you found your happy ever after.

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    1. Jenron,
      I am honored and humbled at your sweet words. I am so thankful that you were encouraged and inspired- I am blessed beyond words by your comment. Thank you for reading!
      Hannah

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  13. What a sweet uplifting post. I'm not religious but I can certainly appreciate the sentiment behind your post.

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    1. Arielle,
      Thanks for reading! The amazing thing about Jesus is that we do not have to be "religious" to have relationship with Him. He actually came to abolish the religious codes of the day- He's after your heart. Much love to you <3
      Hannah

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  14. This is beautiful! Thanks for sharing.

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  15. Absolutely lovely post on marriage! So much truth, wisdom and filled with encouragement.Thank you

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  16. Thank you for sharing your story. Although hard, marriage should be a picture of the Gospel for everyone who sees it. Beautiful post.

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  17. Absolutely fantastic job you have done here. And Thank you for sharing with us

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